Chana’s Breastfeeding Story: You are not alone

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Our amazing baby girl came into the world literally trying to eat. My L&D nurse was really nice but pretty rushed and didn’t have the time available to properly assist us. Breastfeeding in the first hour was in my birth preferences, but I guess there wasn’t much time for that. 

Yael playing in the grass  Photo credit: Yitzy Fox

Once we got to the postpartum ward, feeding baby was on my mind. After nearly two days of labor, I was hungry and it was clear that baby was too. I insisted that we see a lactation consultant, but there were many mothers ahead of me. I was “assured” that we would have a visit before we left the next day. The next day?! Our daughter was hungry RIGHT NOW! What was this, a fast day for babies? So I enlisted help from the nurses. They were kind but not lactation professionals. This sort of helped. Eventually, we saw the lactation consultants who were more knowledgeable but also rushed.

By the time we got home our baby was mighty hungry. I stayed up the entire night nursing and nursing but by the time the morning came, baby’s lips were visibly dry and she kept rooting as if searching for food. I nursed the whole night, how could she be hungry? I quickly learned that a challenge of nursing is that you don’t have the certainty of knowing how much baby is getting. I desperately tried pumping but was disappointed that I only produced a few droplets of colostrum…(I later learned that pumping isn’t indicative of how much baby is getting, and also that colostrum is very rich and a few droplets can go a long way.).

Was our baby starving? Was she safe? Was she dehydrated? Was she weak because she hadn’t eaten in days? Could she be suffering from starvation?! I felt inadequate. Is our baby starving because of me? Am I putting my own needs ahead of hers? She was so fragile and new. 

My husband and I went to the pediatrician immediately (classic first-time-parent-move *wink*). By the time we got there, I was in tears. We were seen right away. The doctor was kind, but not knowledgeable about nursing. I showed her the bottle which contained the few droplets of colostrum I painstakingly pumped and expressed concern that baby isn’t getting enough. She didn’t seem interested. She suggested that I nurse for 15 minutes on each side, then offer a bottle of formula. If baby takes the bottle, that means she isn’t getting enough from the breast (I later learned that this isn’t indicative of how much baby is getting, since you can put a fast flow bottle in a baby’s mouth and it can flow into the baby’s mouth quickly even if baby isn’t actively sucking). She actually took my precious pumped colostrum and mixed it with formula before my eyes. I was crushed and burst into tears. To be fair, my ability to express myself and reaction time were probably not stellar at that time. She was nice, but she was a doctor, not a lactation consultant.

Then the guilt started seeping in. Messages like “fed is best” and “we need her to gain weight” and “just give her formula, she needs it” kept playing in my mind. Since birth, the vibe I got from medical professionals was that breastfeeding was a lower priority and that I was being a nuisance by insisting that we try our hardest to make it work. I felt misunderstood, that I was being perceived as selfish. Almost like I was putting my needs over the baby’s needs. I had to be apologetic about nursing, which looking back feels so silly. I felt like we weren’t giving breastfeeding a fighting chance.

At the end of that long week, we had a beautiful baby naming ceremony. Family, friends, and community members traveled in to celebrate with us. It was beautiful, but I couldn’t fully enjoy it because I didn’t have clarity regarding breastfeeding. I also had to leave the festivities early so I could try to nurse. After hours of trying (and it seemed like we were really making headway!), we attempted to see if baby (whose name was officially Yael by now :) ) actually got anything and offered her a bottle of formula. If she refused, then we could assume she was satisfied, according to the doctor. Well, she gulped it down - 3 whole ounces! I was devastated, hurt, and felt deeply inadequate. We just nursed for over an hour, did baby Yael even get anything? Or was she just sucking and sucking into thin air? I was so grateful to have a baby, words cannot describe my gratitude, and I also felt deeply unsettled.

Somehow, amidst the chaos and the tears I remembered the breastfeeding center and reached out. Thank G-d an appointment with Gina was available early Monday morning. Gina was amaaazing. She welcomed us, watched us latch on, observed baby Yael, listened to our story, heard my concerns and answered all of my questions. THAT was a turning point for me. For the first time I felt like someone actually had the time to listen to me and was interested in honoring my goal. From there things slowly started looking up. 

We started going to the center regularly (although it was a far drive without easy street parking). We worked on things like latch, tension, pumping, supply and overall newborn support. Gina explained that the only way to truly know how much baby Yael was getting was by weighing her before and after. So we did and saw that she was actually getting a healthy amount. It just took a while for my milk to finally come in. What an incredible feeling! I was calmer and no longer felt like the floor beneath me was slipping away. Yael was getting stronger. She was in a better mood. We were all in a better mood. I started understanding that breastfeeding is a skill set that mommy learns, and also baby learns. In other words, it’s a two-person job. And now I was finally starting to enjoy it! 

Yael is now 6 months old. We spend lots of time playing, nursing, and exploring the world in our baby carrier (which we learned how to do thanks to our babywearing consultation with Katie!!!). We love going on walks, hikes, shopping trips, and to synagogue. One of my favorite memories is praying with her while she was in the carrier, resting on me on Sabbath morning. Here I was, saying my thanksgiving prayers, carrying the very baby I prayed for. A true gift from G-d.

Looking back, having a newborn with little lactation support had me feeling deeply inadequate. For those of you that are going through that, I want to say that I see you. The hurt is so real. I am thinking of you as I write this. You are not the only one. And most importantly, you are not alone. The center can provide you with support, a listening ear, and clarity about your feeding journey. You do not have to be alone on this journey. The center doesn’t turn anyone away for monetary reasons. I repeat: you are not alone!!!

I recognize that there are many people who made the breastfeeding center available to me, and I want to thank all of those people, especially the employees. Breastfeeding can be so lonely (literally, up at 1 am, 4 am, 5 am all by yourself trying to nurse and not even knowing if it’s working) but having support made me know that I wasn’t alone. And to whoever is reading this, I want to share that message with you. You are not alone, support is here for you :)

Yitzy, Chana and Yael
Photo credit: Cory Myer